To Zoe.

To my faithful and single reader... Hi Zoe. I'm glad you're my friend and you talk to me about things that are hard when it's easier not to tell me anything. I love you for your need to be straight about things. Merry Christmas.

The black void that is my future....

Today I perused the Peace Corps website. Again. For over 6 years I've been thinking about the Peace Corps and I still haven't applied. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever actually go. I also printed out an application for Grad School and a teaching fellowship at OU. It's like high school all over again... People want to know your plans after you graduate. I'm tempted to try covering all the options but it would all be out of a need to feel some sense of security. In High School when I prayed about where to go to college and whether or not Ohio University was too far away, God just said, "Where can you flee from me? In the mountains? In the valleys? Even there, I'll be with you." That was enough. It still is. I'm not as strong as I used to be and I'm a lot more scared all the time too, but his promises are independent of my petty insecurities. I don't know what I'm doing. It's terrifying and it's been a long time since I let myself free fall into God's plan. Maybe I don't even know how anymore.

There's nothing like being told you are humble to make you feel prideful. Seriously. Goes straight to my head. It's incredibly annoying.

Ferris Wheels and Knickers

Next Monday is my birthday. I detest birthdays. They make people feel entitled to the attentions of others. They find themselves in one of two categories at the end of a Ferris Wheel day brimming with cyclically paranoid emotions. Either they wake up and realize their day is pretty much the same as other days and find disappointment for feeling disappointed. Or if they are met with a shower of attention from family and friends, they are morbidly repulsed by the very tenders to which they previously felt entitled.

This Monday I will embark on the pinnacle of my collegiate career. Most of my classmates in the Education field have had a fraction of the time and experience in classrooms that I have been blessed with having before student teaching. They're justifiably shaking in their carefully selected teaching knickers. Regardless of experience and preparation, I am too. In the sage words of a Mr. Bruce Dalzell, seasoned performer, "It's just because you care." Thanks, Brucie.