Tonight was Halloween in Athens. As a Freshman, I went to the big party on Court Street with my friends and was amazed at how insane everything was. I had fun dancing and shuffling from one end to the other, enjoying all the costumes, whining about how cold it was and "why didn't I think of a warmer costume???" I haven't gone since then... Once was definitely enough. But my friends still go. It's always like this, every weekend. Since I DON'T go out they assume it's okay for me to be the temporary mom... The one who can give them a ride if they're tired or cold, the one who will watch a movie with them when they get back, the one who cleans up their puke when they have had too much to drink, etc. As stupid as it sounds, it's okay. I know that I can love them by taking care of them when they are vulnerable. And they have always proven to be good friends to me when I've had a rough time. But this Halloween I found myself stretched. I feel like I'm ripped in half and I can't handle feeling like that. Another Halloween over and another friend calls, sobbing, because she's so wasted and feels miserable and she's all alone because everyone else is drunk and went uptown to the party. No, it's not a problem for me to drop everything. No, it's not a problem that there isn't any parking and I will walk. I'll be there as soon as I can. It's okay. Everything's fine. You're okay. Here, have some water. Here, let's put some pajamas on. Let's just eat some toast and watch a movie until you feel a little better before you go to sleep. I know you're tired, but if you go to sleep right now you'll get sick in your bed, and we don't want to clean that up, do we? and on and on it goes... Typical.
But what about when I want desperately to be there for someone who actually is searching for God and I can love them, too? What about when I'm already there, being that person for someone who needs me when this other person searching calls and wants me to come find them? God may have been able to be in two places but I can't. I have to say, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't be there for you" Why? My heart bleeds out... For the one whose search is left in disappointment and for the one who fills her life with placebos to make everything feel all right for a while.
