Staying Awake

On Saturday I went for a walk outside. Sometimes I like getting so lost I start to worry if I'll be able to get back home... I always get back home. Sometimes it's in a car, other times riding a bike, or sometimes just walking. I think it's probably some weird American roots screaming for the necessity for exploration. Anyway, I found this gloriously huge hill and walked all the way to the top. I quickly decided that a hill this magnificent needed to be biked down, so I walked all the way back to my apartment before walking back up the hill. I considered the possibility of death meeting me at the bottom, but then I just laughed and peddled hard, yelling like crazy the whole way down. I put my arms out like wings and felt cold. The locals sitting on their porches didn't seem to mind all that much.
Last week was weird. A whole bunch of stuff was on my mind from ages ago, things I hadn't really thought too much about since I was younger and it stung to think about those things. I was surprised to find that these things, things I thought were long gone and out of my life, were still there and still stung. I've been thinking about Jacob... What kind of guy wrestles with God and lives? It's kind of ludicrous, but it happened. Jacob wrestles God, receives a new name, and a handicap. His entire identity is changed. I don't think I will ever be the same as I was, but after thinking about all these things from so long ago I forgot. Sometimes I find my old lifestyle creeping into my new lifestyle, and I think about the condition of my heart. Has it hardened over time? Maybe it is like the paralytic's mat, or the demon-possessed man's scars, the tax collector's reputation, or Jacob's limp. I prayed that I wouldn't fall asleep again.

I have been kind of busy lately, so last night I decided I would make the most of my Friday by dividing my time and attentions between multiple friend-groups. It wasn't planned or intentional, but while it was happening I thought it was a good idea. I was wrong. I am wrong a lot. Basically, some of my friends felt slighted, and I realize now I messed up and hurt them. During the whole process I also managed to somehow find the time to belittle someone else I love, all because my worry consumed my trust in their integrity.

I have been granted a first class ticket through life, and yet I consistently choose to use the free bus pass that's been molding in my pocket.