The List

WOAH. I found a stack of papers, notes, journal pages, etc while I was home going through boxes. Some of them were pretty old. But... In with all the other stuff... I found... THE LIST, and I quote:

#1. We both marry other people (and in this scenario, we're neighbors)
#2. One of us gets married (and I always, without fail, imagine it's you) and the other dies alone.
#3. Neither of us gets married.
#4. I die before getting married-- Probably of heartbreak.
#5. We marry each other. And, no matter how many times I work through these and think about it, this last one is the only one that makes sense.

WOAH. Okay, I didn't remember it looking/sounding like that. AND THEN I found a REPLY which I told him... I don't know why I have his list written out, but I remember now after reading it that I was so freaked out I had to physically write down a succinct reply. And I quote:

"I've questioned our relationship-- Especially since you came to visit. Don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying I want anything. But I wanted you to know that. But I do believe, after a bit of reading, there are two things you should hear:

#1. Always be a real and genuine representation of Christ.
#2. Chapter 13 of 2Chronicles says the man who truly follows the Lord will be victorious over the man who merely THINKS he is following the Lord."

I definitely didn't remember saying that.... I remembered saying NO! I remembered closing that door with a resoundingly undoubtable shut. I AM FREAKING OUT. What was that whole mess? What IS that whole mess? It was so long ago, I shouldn't even care... Should I?

Juggling fruit

I've felt quite detached lately. This is probably a good sign that I AM detached. I always need people to tell me that I haven't been hanging out with them for me to actually realize that I am doing too many things or working too much or reading too much or spending too much time at the library etc, etc, etc. Actually, it usually takes a couple people for me to realize it.

Last week my mom and sister called/texted me so many times I thought my phone was going to die. Apparently they thought something was wrong with me because I don't normally go so long without calling them back. Then I scrolled through my phone and looked at my text messages. There were over a dozen that said some variation of, "Where are you?" or "Are you ever coming home?"

I've been neglectful of all my relationships for much too long. There's a metaphor in Shakespeare's King Richard II where the gardeners are talking about how the King's garden is in complete disarray. It parallels how King Richard has taken care of the Kingdom... The plants are all overgrown and some are wilting and some are burdened with over ripened fruit. Anyway... I just feel pretty lame for letting the garden I've been given get out of control. What's worse, I feel overwhelmed with just how out of control I have let it become. Can it ever be what it used to be? I'm a failure at this juggling act.