Emails, veggies, and dogs

First, a complaint. Checking my email has become one of my least favorite activities. I have to check my email pretty frequently now because it is the school's main way of communicating with me. I sign into my account begrudgingly at least twice a day and hold my breath praying there are no new emails. When I was little I used to get excited about checking the mailbox for letters and I'd get jealous that my mom and dad got sooo many letters.... People must really love them a lot, I thought. My mom explained several times that they weren't "fun" letters, just boring adult things and that I'd understand when I was older.

I'm older.

In a random grab-bag of assorted Betsy-related news.....

• I used skype for the first time and simultaneously watched a movie with Brandon. That was exciting and made me less sad about living by myself.
• Bernie is moving to Florida and she is making a stop at my place to visit and I'm really glad she puts that kind of importance in our friendship. It's weird, but I'll be the last person from Ohio she sees before she is gone. Makes me feel like I should bake a cake or something for the occasion.
• A couple years ago I developed an extreme delight in the taste of broccoli. Never liked many vegetables as a kid, but now broccoli is one of my favorite snacks. A couple weeks ago the formerly indifferent orange veggie (the carrot) became yet another surprisingly delicious snack. I can't seem to stop eating them!
• I went camping recently and befriended a guy of roughly the same age. He has a really nice and cute dog he takes with him everywhere. The dog's name is Zoe. He calls her "Zoloft". Interesting. I asked him if he calls her that because she makes him happy or because she is inherently sad.... He said it depends on the day.
• My quiet times have been much better recently. I'm grateful that God continues to work in me, regardless of how many times I fail miserably. At church on Sunday, I was reading after communion and the passage I read was an obvious encouragement about an ongoing prayer I have had for over 2 years (almost exactly). It's happened a few times this summer and I had forgotten how good it feels to be reassured like that.
  

Sad to say........

Why are goodbyes so difficult? I never do goodbyes. But right now my heart feels droopy with the goodbye.... withering at the mere thought of the words I won't say. As a rule, I think goodbyes between Christians are silly. We have forever together... what's a few days, months, or years? But the goodbye has unexpectedly come knocking and took the wind out of my Captain Confident sails. Perhaps what is most disappointing of all is the realization this goodbye has taught me; I still cannot seem to trust God with my life.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens"--Psalm 69:19

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I"-- Psalm 61:2

The Proximity Tango

Have you ever known someone you can't seem to avoid? Maybe it's someone you know well and maybe it's someone you don't know at all... but through a series of seemingly random happenstances you feel like you either:
(A)Should get to know that person
or, if you already do know them, you should
(B)Get to know them better. It's the standard matter of proximity.

It's a somewhat amusing, confusing, and curious dance we do that makes us question and compare the meaning of words like "purpose" and "coincidence". We might give these people nicknames and talk to our close friends and roommates about them. It becomes a game. We have to run home to tell someone that, once again ("What are the ODDS??") we saw, "That bearded-guy from Big Mamma's" or "Wolf man from physics" or "nail-biter from Coms 205" etc... We laugh and recite what we observed this person doing or what awkward conversation occurred and marvel at the chance run-in with whomever it is. It's a game some people love. I hate it. Athens is like a weirdo hybrid designed for crap like that. Not small enough to know everyone but not big enough to get lost in the crowd. After you've lived here long enough, you find yourself doing the proximity dance more and more often.

I have been doing the proximity dance with one person in particular for three years now... By far the longest running dance yet... I've decided to give him a pseudonym for the sake of privacy and refer to him as Voldemort, in case I need to tell you about the next unbelievable run-in. Anyway, I had another one today. It makes me incredibly paranoid. Every time it happens I feel like I'm having a minor panic attack. Why won't Voldemort just leave Harry Potter be?

Chaos Theory

I decided a couple weeks ago that now is a good time to start over. I'm going through a number of firsts in my life... The main two being living by myself and going to grad school... and the adjustment has been, well, not very "adjusty". There's no adjustment at all, really. It's just complete chaos and me standing in the middle, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. My first week of grad school has been terrible. My day begins at about 7am and I have 12 hours of class... literally. I feel like I casually stepped onto a treadmill already zinging along at high speeds. I've considered my options:

1.) Kill my professor (who is pretty mean and looks exactly like Agatha Trunchbull from Matilda... You know? The lady who swings kids out the window by their pigtails and eats chocolates that don't belong to her but were some dead guy's and probably should've been thrown out ages ago.)
2.) Drop out of school
3.) Go jump off a cliff and get it over with

Last night I decided the best option was just to do all three in movie-like splendor. It'd be like a sweet package deal, you know?

It's all amusing to me because I have decided to start over... Or "rekindle" would be a better way of putting it. (I'm talking about my currently haphazard relationship with God, here, in case you're wondering.) The fact that my world has become a giant mess has only made me more determined to spend the time with God he deserves and I need, and made me more certain that someone out there desperately wishes I'd just give up already.

I am waiting for the day when I will have money to buy a cheap camera/microphone so I can skype with the very same encouraging, interesting, lovely person(s) who read this blog. (The "s" in parenthesis was a joke, in case you were wondering Zoe... You're still the only person I know who reads these ramblings)

Tour de North

A lot of things have happened. I don't think I'll go into too much detail, though I tend to tell stories in detail. It's just that there are so many things with such a diverse range of emotions, locations, tones... There's just no way to do it without taking forever or being a complete cluster-cuss. In the past couple weeks I have graduated from college, moved, watched many people I love leave, traveled around Boston and NYC, and too many other things (and some I can't even bring myself to mention). I've been assured of some things along the way:

Hearing good news of how God is taking care of my friends and family is often just as exciting, if not more, as if it were happening to me.
I'm nervous about the future and continually tend to be too self-centered to allow God to take care of me.
There is a God who loves his kids, and He is faithful.
God's power and omnipotence are not diminished by my limited understanding, and even if I cannot fully comprehend how or why something happens He is still at work.

Etymological Insomnia

I spend (or waste, depending on how you look at it) an extraordinary chunk of time thinking about words and phrases. It's annoying, but if I can't sleep it's usually because I'm tossing and turning over some pointless internal debate about words. For example last night I just kept mulling over the phrase, "By the skin of my teeth". Hours are wasted (or spent) just staring in the dark in vexed frustration about phrases just like that. Seriously...

By the skin of one's teeth?
By the skin of my teeth.
By the skin of your teeth.
By the skins of your tooth.
By the skins of our teeth.

Who came up with that phrase and why do we use it? TEETH DON'T HAVE SKIN. Unless "skin" is some kind of reference to something else......... And then I spend more time considering all the options of what "skin" could be referencing. In case you are wondering about the etymology of this particular phrase, I found it. "By the skin of one's teeth" is a biblical phrase from Job 19:18-20. It's debut can be found in the Geneva Bible from 1560, translated from the original Hebrew

"Yea, young children despised me; I arose, and they spake against me. All my inward friends abhorred me: and they whom I loved are turned against me. My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth."

So this tells us where it is from, but not really what it means. That part is still completely ambiguous. Maybe the "skin" are his lips or gums. Maybe Job is saying after everything (sickness, death, destruction) he has barely escaped Satan's attacks with his teeth still in his head. This gives me a little teeny bit of satisfaction, but not nearly enough to secure my future sleeping habits.

Emo post for Zoe

I read a few days ago that the Japanese "Origami" originally meant something close to "guaranteed" or "certified". In the 1300s the Japanese would take their important documents and certificates and fold them in such unique ways that it would prevent anyone from making unauthorized duplicates. I imagined what my parents would say if I folded up my diploma. It'd be the most expensive origami stegosaurus I've ever made.

On another note, we had crazy club at the Finney's tonight and I said goodbye to my kids. I know they're not "my" kids. Also, they're not "kids". But I love them. The past couple weeks have been really sucky. It's so stupid to cry because I'm no longer a Young Life leader for Federal Hocking, but I can't seem to stop myself. I know I will still try to hang out with some kids and I've already made plans with one in particular, so why do I feel so sad? I've always tried to cut to the heart of things with people... Tell people the way things are and not leave anything unsaid (whenever tact allows it, and sometimes even when it doesn't) but I have this gnawing sadness that so many things weren't said and so many kids weren't reached. It breaks your heart to see so many kids come and go and never choose to take God's hand. I also started crying recently while looking at people I saw at Central, people who have clearly chosen to seek God, because I was so overwhelmed by how glad our father must be when his kids choose a life with him. I'm just one big crying mess. It seems I cry no matter what. Even at open mic, I cried... And that's my HAPPY place! Bruce played a song to Bernie, Brianna, and I by Bob Dylan called "You're gonna make me lonesome when you go". It's pretty self explanatory and I don't want to talk about these sad things anymore. There's no sense in wallowing in them. So, there's your emo post, Zoe-friend....

Also, I need to figure out Skype!