long distance relationships

When I was a sophomore in high school my older sister moved to Southern Mississippi to get her master's degree. I'd call her up and ask her how things were going, tell her I missed her, all that jazz. We started doing this strange thing where we'd pretend that she wasn't across the country from me. I'd say something like, "so what are you doing tonight?" and she'd lie and say, "eh, nothing really." (I know now that she was lying because I, too, am getting my master's degree.) Then I'd say, "Well I was thinking of watching this movie... Wanna come over?" and she'd say, "sure, see you in a few minutes." And then we'd hang up the phone like she was really going to come over to watch a movie. There was never a movie and she never came, obviously, but we both liked to pretend for a while that it was possible. She lives in Wisconsin now and every once in a while, usually when one of us is having a bad day, we still pretend we're close enough to pop over to hang out.

Today I talked to a good friend and, even though she's also far away, she actually gets to pop over for a visit tomorrow. I'm so excited. Real visits are way better than pretend ones.

Some Perspective

His powerful legs work in time, quickly and powerfully charging up the hill. Everyone is depending on him to win, to fight, to try. Others may come, but right now he alone makes his way to the top of the hill to defend, to protect, to make a stand. Raising his front legs, he thrashes at the air, roars into the sky, and dares to be challenged.

The boy chuckles at the tiny ant dancing on the small mound of dirt. Squatting on his haunches and then lying down in the grass to get closer, the boy pulls out a magnifying glass from the back pocket of his dirty shorts; he watches the sun blaze through the glass.

The man smiles, watching the little boy patiently investigating some minuscule mystery in the grass with his little body lying still on the ground and his head raised, poised. He looked like a soldier ready to crawl under barbed wire or a rattlesnake ready to strike. The morning sun glints off of the man's belt buckle as he idly observes through the kitchen window. Sighing as he checks the time, he remembers when he was a boy and smiles again. Then the porcelain mug moves mechanically from his hand to meet his lips, and he is gulping down the black, bitter coffee.

On becoming an adult

1)Teaching middle school "part time" means teaching a full day for half the respect.

2)Middle school students are CRAZY. I love it.

3)Adults can be real jerk-holes. I hate it.

4)Going to the movies by yourself is strange. I kind of liked it.

4.5)Something stinks like death in my apartment. I'm a clean person. Regardless of things already being clean, I cleaned EVERYTHING and there's still death somewhere.... Why's this happening to me??

Things have been stressful and, overall, pretty miserable. I nearly cried 3 times just this week. Pathetic. Some of the reasons reminded me of the lyrics in a song by Brucie... "Pondering the difference between cynicism and bitching." Excuse the language, but seriously... I've been thinking about that all week! That and, "Lord beer me strength"

Emails, veggies, and dogs

First, a complaint. Checking my email has become one of my least favorite activities. I have to check my email pretty frequently now because it is the school's main way of communicating with me. I sign into my account begrudgingly at least twice a day and hold my breath praying there are no new emails. When I was little I used to get excited about checking the mailbox for letters and I'd get jealous that my mom and dad got sooo many letters.... People must really love them a lot, I thought. My mom explained several times that they weren't "fun" letters, just boring adult things and that I'd understand when I was older.

I'm older.

In a random grab-bag of assorted Betsy-related news.....

• I used skype for the first time and simultaneously watched a movie with Brandon. That was exciting and made me less sad about living by myself.
• Bernie is moving to Florida and she is making a stop at my place to visit and I'm really glad she puts that kind of importance in our friendship. It's weird, but I'll be the last person from Ohio she sees before she is gone. Makes me feel like I should bake a cake or something for the occasion.
• A couple years ago I developed an extreme delight in the taste of broccoli. Never liked many vegetables as a kid, but now broccoli is one of my favorite snacks. A couple weeks ago the formerly indifferent orange veggie (the carrot) became yet another surprisingly delicious snack. I can't seem to stop eating them!
• I went camping recently and befriended a guy of roughly the same age. He has a really nice and cute dog he takes with him everywhere. The dog's name is Zoe. He calls her "Zoloft". Interesting. I asked him if he calls her that because she makes him happy or because she is inherently sad.... He said it depends on the day.
• My quiet times have been much better recently. I'm grateful that God continues to work in me, regardless of how many times I fail miserably. At church on Sunday, I was reading after communion and the passage I read was an obvious encouragement about an ongoing prayer I have had for over 2 years (almost exactly). It's happened a few times this summer and I had forgotten how good it feels to be reassured like that.
  

Sad to say........

Why are goodbyes so difficult? I never do goodbyes. But right now my heart feels droopy with the goodbye.... withering at the mere thought of the words I won't say. As a rule, I think goodbyes between Christians are silly. We have forever together... what's a few days, months, or years? But the goodbye has unexpectedly come knocking and took the wind out of my Captain Confident sails. Perhaps what is most disappointing of all is the realization this goodbye has taught me; I still cannot seem to trust God with my life.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens"--Psalm 69:19

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I"-- Psalm 61:2

The Proximity Tango

Have you ever known someone you can't seem to avoid? Maybe it's someone you know well and maybe it's someone you don't know at all... but through a series of seemingly random happenstances you feel like you either:
(A)Should get to know that person
or, if you already do know them, you should
(B)Get to know them better. It's the standard matter of proximity.

It's a somewhat amusing, confusing, and curious dance we do that makes us question and compare the meaning of words like "purpose" and "coincidence". We might give these people nicknames and talk to our close friends and roommates about them. It becomes a game. We have to run home to tell someone that, once again ("What are the ODDS??") we saw, "That bearded-guy from Big Mamma's" or "Wolf man from physics" or "nail-biter from Coms 205" etc... We laugh and recite what we observed this person doing or what awkward conversation occurred and marvel at the chance run-in with whomever it is. It's a game some people love. I hate it. Athens is like a weirdo hybrid designed for crap like that. Not small enough to know everyone but not big enough to get lost in the crowd. After you've lived here long enough, you find yourself doing the proximity dance more and more often.

I have been doing the proximity dance with one person in particular for three years now... By far the longest running dance yet... I've decided to give him a pseudonym for the sake of privacy and refer to him as Voldemort, in case I need to tell you about the next unbelievable run-in. Anyway, I had another one today. It makes me incredibly paranoid. Every time it happens I feel like I'm having a minor panic attack. Why won't Voldemort just leave Harry Potter be?

Chaos Theory

I decided a couple weeks ago that now is a good time to start over. I'm going through a number of firsts in my life... The main two being living by myself and going to grad school... and the adjustment has been, well, not very "adjusty". There's no adjustment at all, really. It's just complete chaos and me standing in the middle, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. My first week of grad school has been terrible. My day begins at about 7am and I have 12 hours of class... literally. I feel like I casually stepped onto a treadmill already zinging along at high speeds. I've considered my options:

1.) Kill my professor (who is pretty mean and looks exactly like Agatha Trunchbull from Matilda... You know? The lady who swings kids out the window by their pigtails and eats chocolates that don't belong to her but were some dead guy's and probably should've been thrown out ages ago.)
2.) Drop out of school
3.) Go jump off a cliff and get it over with

Last night I decided the best option was just to do all three in movie-like splendor. It'd be like a sweet package deal, you know?

It's all amusing to me because I have decided to start over... Or "rekindle" would be a better way of putting it. (I'm talking about my currently haphazard relationship with God, here, in case you're wondering.) The fact that my world has become a giant mess has only made me more determined to spend the time with God he deserves and I need, and made me more certain that someone out there desperately wishes I'd just give up already.

I am waiting for the day when I will have money to buy a cheap camera/microphone so I can skype with the very same encouraging, interesting, lovely person(s) who read this blog. (The "s" in parenthesis was a joke, in case you were wondering Zoe... You're still the only person I know who reads these ramblings)