In the Belly

Pretty much every year for the past 4 years I have used a variety of bible reading plans. I like them. They give me direction so that I'm not just aimlessly reading whatever I turn to all the time. If there's an old testament book I have memorized, it's Jonah. I can't even remember how many bible studies I've either gone to or led on Jonah. I've always really loved the story and have learned a lot from it; but, when it came up in my reading plan last week I found myself severely disappointed. At first I thought maybe I was actually tired of Jonah's story. But that wasn't the right feeling. It was the first time I've ever had to practically force myself to read scripture... I'm not talking about when you read some days even though you don't want to or have trouble making time (obedience). I'm talking about feeling desperately opposed to reading that particular passage. Which, when I thought about why I felt that way, just made me feel like I really needed to spend more time on it. So I have. In Jonah after he gets thrown from the ship, it says he is being tossed around in chaos (or the water is the equivalent of chaos). I feel a little bit like that right now.... Being dizzy from spinning around so much thinking around and around and around about it all. I talked to a few wise friends. The more I read and reflect on it, the more I realize how dangerously close to Jonah I have become. Not just when he runs away in chapter one, but when he is sitting alone on the cliff in the sun at the end. I'm usually pretty good at communicating things in writing... But this time I can't.

Still, I have realized that time spent talking about this with my friends is something I have missed desperately. Thanks to them I was reminded to ask God for some guidance while reading Jonah too, which is who I should have looked for from the start.

Schiz

Here's a conversation I had while running a 5K today. Proof that I've gone crazy, since this conversation was in my head... To myself... The choice of pronouns is really the deciding factor.

"Starting at mile 2 kick in the last mile"

"yep, at mile 2... which is at about" *checks watch "5:40"

"So when the minute hand is on the 9"

"At the 9, a quick mile left"

"wait... wouldn't 5:40 be at the 8? Not 9, that's 5:45--"

*Annoyed*"You know what I mean..."

"Right"

Wake up, O sleeper

Been running out these winter blues... Today while moving on cruise control with an iPod playing tunes unheard, this one got through somehow. Heart beating for more than the run, legs running hard as if they could pound something into being the truth. And I do so badly want it to be true...

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul"

7th Grade Wisdom

"Most people love Christmas, and it's a lot of people's favorite holiday because of the presents. Christmas is my favorite because it was the day the Lord was born. That's why we all celebrate it. We just forget it because of all the presents and business with family. That's what Christmas is all about, and that's why I love it."

"Some people might love Christmas because they get presents. I like Christmas because it is all about God. I think that everybody forgets about God and just thinks about what they are getting for Christmas."

So much of what I am learning about teaching is about just trying to understand how and what students are thinking. This is especially difficult with middle school students who, as my friend Brandon decided, may not even be human. I did these things so long ago I'm constantly trying to remember what it was like, what is is like now. Anyway...

We're going over how to write a well-structured paragraph as preparation for a literary analysis. (I know what you're thinking...One paragraph? Psshh... piece of cake! But asking a 7th grader to do it is like asking them to run a marathon.) To practice the specific writing structure for their paragraphs we just went over, I asked them to write about their favorite holiday. I know that there's really nothing about the words above that is new knowledge to me (or to hardly anyone). It's not rocket science. Still, when I read 40 essays about how kids love Christmas because they don't have school and get presents, anything different sticks out. Watching someone piece together the difference between celebrating Christ and celebrating themselves makes me feel like I'm learning that lesson for the first time too.

I recently told Zoe that I find myself getting choked up really easily now that I work with students all the time. I've morphed into some super-sensitive weirdo. Here's a prime example of me getting all sentimental and moved by a couple paragraphs. If God is this sensitive, it must have really really sucked to send his son for us.

A Life Less Ordinary

There's nothing all that important or neat going on, currently, but I felt I should post something just to make that clear. Actually, let's face it, there are always neat and important things going on all the time. So I suppose I wanted to make clear my magnificently poor recognition/awareness of these things as of late. My self-reflection seems to be in a valley.

Other than middle schoolers and all things middle school related, David occupies my mind. Such an interesting person with an interesting life... But he didn't start off as anything special. When I read 1 and 2 Samuel I am always surprised God would choose someone so ordinary to make so great, famous, and successful. (I'm not saying David didn't have amazing qualities, because he did. I'm just saying, of all the people in the world, why him?) I've always enjoyed his story, but now I am fairly certain it is not because of David, necessarily, but because his story really shows the faithfulness and necessity of God's presence in our lives. David was just a normal guy made extraordinary by an extraordinary God. The times we see David fall short of our unusually high expectations are the times when David has become lackadaisical in his faith... The most poignant example being his affair with Bathsheba. He should have been off at war with the others. He should have been close with God. But while the Ark of the Covenant and soldiers are out of town on the battle field, David is getting busy with the girl next door. Typical... I, too, am someone ordinary who serves an extraordinary God. When I realize I have forgotten to keep close to the King, I remember how small I really am on my own.

Classical Cats

I've been cat-shopping (browsing cats and all things cat-related). Today I pretended to peruse the chuck taylors at Import House while I in fact was sneaking a visit to my current cat interests... Simon and Charlie... These two super cool orange tabby cats from the humane society. I'm also hoping to hang out with another cool looking cat named Clive.

I call them Cat dates. It only makes sense since I think I am becoming a cat lady, and the only dates cat ladies go on are to the grocery store and the litter box.

I also have been trying to have some discipline in my life and realize I need to clear out some clutter in my brain. I did this once in high school and fasted from music. Music is a huge part of my life and it was basically impossible since if I wasn't directly listening to something I was thinking about something music related or absentmindedly humming. These aren't bad things, just something that's always on my mind. Anyway, in an effort to simplify, this week I have limited myself to a type of music I have neglected the past couple years: Classical.

If you have never listened to Chopin's Nocturnes you haven't lived. They'll make you feel sad and peaceful and filled up with something important you can't describe. Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 is probably the most popular, but if you're really feeling reflective... There are 21 and they are all amazing. You might cry a little thinking how something so pretty exists in the world. Then again, maybe that's just me.

In my solitude

Wake up, check email, go to school. Go home, eat, check email. Grade papers, enter grades, check email. Read, write, research (Repeat X 1 million+ dinner somewhere). Walk/run, read, sleep.

This is my life. My life during the week anyway. On the weekend I usually have some kind of fit and decide I'm going to go out and do something exciting and different, but then I just sit around and watch TV or read.... Boring.... And still I realized today that even though I have all this time alone (and I am well-aware of just how alone I am) I haven't known solitude in a long time. Today, during my walk, I stopped walking and just sat outside in this park for an hour and tried for 5 minutes of that hour just to quit thinking so much about all the company I have crowding my mind. I tried to really be alone for 5 minutes; I might've got 35 seconds of solitude. Still, I know that is the longest I have been alone in over 4 years... Because I am never alone anymore, not really. I keep my mind and eyes and ears so busy all the time my head is crammed with stimuli. My mind is going a million miles an hour all the time, even when I'm trying desperately to listen to someone else. And I know God has placed me here in Athens living by myself for a reason. It's taken me almost 5 months to understand why, and I'm still not completely sure, but I'm getting there. I'm learning how to wait.

I read last night about when Samuel anoints Saul king over the people. He tells Saul he is going to have this enormous job of leading God's people as King, and then he tells him to go back to life as usual and wait for instructions before doing anything else. I wonder if Saul got impatient or was tempted to pretend he had received those instructions. I feel like instead of waiting for instructions I've just been going full tilt through the job. It's easier to feel like you have a purpose when you are moving at full speed. But I got this odd feeling today that there's such a thing as purposeful waiting.