Classical Cats

I've been cat-shopping (browsing cats and all things cat-related). Today I pretended to peruse the chuck taylors at Import House while I in fact was sneaking a visit to my current cat interests... Simon and Charlie... These two super cool orange tabby cats from the humane society. I'm also hoping to hang out with another cool looking cat named Clive.

I call them Cat dates. It only makes sense since I think I am becoming a cat lady, and the only dates cat ladies go on are to the grocery store and the litter box.

I also have been trying to have some discipline in my life and realize I need to clear out some clutter in my brain. I did this once in high school and fasted from music. Music is a huge part of my life and it was basically impossible since if I wasn't directly listening to something I was thinking about something music related or absentmindedly humming. These aren't bad things, just something that's always on my mind. Anyway, in an effort to simplify, this week I have limited myself to a type of music I have neglected the past couple years: Classical.

If you have never listened to Chopin's Nocturnes you haven't lived. They'll make you feel sad and peaceful and filled up with something important you can't describe. Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 is probably the most popular, but if you're really feeling reflective... There are 21 and they are all amazing. You might cry a little thinking how something so pretty exists in the world. Then again, maybe that's just me.

In my solitude

Wake up, check email, go to school. Go home, eat, check email. Grade papers, enter grades, check email. Read, write, research (Repeat X 1 million+ dinner somewhere). Walk/run, read, sleep.

This is my life. My life during the week anyway. On the weekend I usually have some kind of fit and decide I'm going to go out and do something exciting and different, but then I just sit around and watch TV or read.... Boring.... And still I realized today that even though I have all this time alone (and I am well-aware of just how alone I am) I haven't known solitude in a long time. Today, during my walk, I stopped walking and just sat outside in this park for an hour and tried for 5 minutes of that hour just to quit thinking so much about all the company I have crowding my mind. I tried to really be alone for 5 minutes; I might've got 35 seconds of solitude. Still, I know that is the longest I have been alone in over 4 years... Because I am never alone anymore, not really. I keep my mind and eyes and ears so busy all the time my head is crammed with stimuli. My mind is going a million miles an hour all the time, even when I'm trying desperately to listen to someone else. And I know God has placed me here in Athens living by myself for a reason. It's taken me almost 5 months to understand why, and I'm still not completely sure, but I'm getting there. I'm learning how to wait.

I read last night about when Samuel anoints Saul king over the people. He tells Saul he is going to have this enormous job of leading God's people as King, and then he tells him to go back to life as usual and wait for instructions before doing anything else. I wonder if Saul got impatient or was tempted to pretend he had received those instructions. I feel like instead of waiting for instructions I've just been going full tilt through the job. It's easier to feel like you have a purpose when you are moving at full speed. But I got this odd feeling today that there's such a thing as purposeful waiting.

long distance relationships

When I was a sophomore in high school my older sister moved to Southern Mississippi to get her master's degree. I'd call her up and ask her how things were going, tell her I missed her, all that jazz. We started doing this strange thing where we'd pretend that she wasn't across the country from me. I'd say something like, "so what are you doing tonight?" and she'd lie and say, "eh, nothing really." (I know now that she was lying because I, too, am getting my master's degree.) Then I'd say, "Well I was thinking of watching this movie... Wanna come over?" and she'd say, "sure, see you in a few minutes." And then we'd hang up the phone like she was really going to come over to watch a movie. There was never a movie and she never came, obviously, but we both liked to pretend for a while that it was possible. She lives in Wisconsin now and every once in a while, usually when one of us is having a bad day, we still pretend we're close enough to pop over to hang out.

Today I talked to a good friend and, even though she's also far away, she actually gets to pop over for a visit tomorrow. I'm so excited. Real visits are way better than pretend ones.

Some Perspective

His powerful legs work in time, quickly and powerfully charging up the hill. Everyone is depending on him to win, to fight, to try. Others may come, but right now he alone makes his way to the top of the hill to defend, to protect, to make a stand. Raising his front legs, he thrashes at the air, roars into the sky, and dares to be challenged.

The boy chuckles at the tiny ant dancing on the small mound of dirt. Squatting on his haunches and then lying down in the grass to get closer, the boy pulls out a magnifying glass from the back pocket of his dirty shorts; he watches the sun blaze through the glass.

The man smiles, watching the little boy patiently investigating some minuscule mystery in the grass with his little body lying still on the ground and his head raised, poised. He looked like a soldier ready to crawl under barbed wire or a rattlesnake ready to strike. The morning sun glints off of the man's belt buckle as he idly observes through the kitchen window. Sighing as he checks the time, he remembers when he was a boy and smiles again. Then the porcelain mug moves mechanically from his hand to meet his lips, and he is gulping down the black, bitter coffee.

On becoming an adult

1)Teaching middle school "part time" means teaching a full day for half the respect.

2)Middle school students are CRAZY. I love it.

3)Adults can be real jerk-holes. I hate it.

4)Going to the movies by yourself is strange. I kind of liked it.

4.5)Something stinks like death in my apartment. I'm a clean person. Regardless of things already being clean, I cleaned EVERYTHING and there's still death somewhere.... Why's this happening to me??

Things have been stressful and, overall, pretty miserable. I nearly cried 3 times just this week. Pathetic. Some of the reasons reminded me of the lyrics in a song by Brucie... "Pondering the difference between cynicism and bitching." Excuse the language, but seriously... I've been thinking about that all week! That and, "Lord beer me strength"

Emails, veggies, and dogs

First, a complaint. Checking my email has become one of my least favorite activities. I have to check my email pretty frequently now because it is the school's main way of communicating with me. I sign into my account begrudgingly at least twice a day and hold my breath praying there are no new emails. When I was little I used to get excited about checking the mailbox for letters and I'd get jealous that my mom and dad got sooo many letters.... People must really love them a lot, I thought. My mom explained several times that they weren't "fun" letters, just boring adult things and that I'd understand when I was older.

I'm older.

In a random grab-bag of assorted Betsy-related news.....

• I used skype for the first time and simultaneously watched a movie with Brandon. That was exciting and made me less sad about living by myself.
• Bernie is moving to Florida and she is making a stop at my place to visit and I'm really glad she puts that kind of importance in our friendship. It's weird, but I'll be the last person from Ohio she sees before she is gone. Makes me feel like I should bake a cake or something for the occasion.
• A couple years ago I developed an extreme delight in the taste of broccoli. Never liked many vegetables as a kid, but now broccoli is one of my favorite snacks. A couple weeks ago the formerly indifferent orange veggie (the carrot) became yet another surprisingly delicious snack. I can't seem to stop eating them!
• I went camping recently and befriended a guy of roughly the same age. He has a really nice and cute dog he takes with him everywhere. The dog's name is Zoe. He calls her "Zoloft". Interesting. I asked him if he calls her that because she makes him happy or because she is inherently sad.... He said it depends on the day.
• My quiet times have been much better recently. I'm grateful that God continues to work in me, regardless of how many times I fail miserably. At church on Sunday, I was reading after communion and the passage I read was an obvious encouragement about an ongoing prayer I have had for over 2 years (almost exactly). It's happened a few times this summer and I had forgotten how good it feels to be reassured like that.
  

Sad to say........

Why are goodbyes so difficult? I never do goodbyes. But right now my heart feels droopy with the goodbye.... withering at the mere thought of the words I won't say. As a rule, I think goodbyes between Christians are silly. We have forever together... what's a few days, months, or years? But the goodbye has unexpectedly come knocking and took the wind out of my Captain Confident sails. Perhaps what is most disappointing of all is the realization this goodbye has taught me; I still cannot seem to trust God with my life.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens"--Psalm 69:19

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I"-- Psalm 61:2