Some Thoughts

I've taken a little respite from blogging to figure some things out... The main one being, why do I write these things? Is it still a way for me to understand God's purpose and daily message to me? For a while, I don't think it was. That's okay. I'm not sure that always using this blog for that purpose is realistic, anyway. So here are some random things I've been thinking about, some to do with God and some most certainly not.

The past few months I have explored other methods of reflection. Like yoga. I'm terrible at yoga. Or songwriting. I like that one, though I'm not exceptional at that either. I think I'll continue using both, in addition to the occasional blog and furious journal scribbles that I shove in nooks and crannies of my bible.

Once I listened to this message from a guy who randomly told about how he met his wife. He said the first thing he told her was that she shouldn't shove things into her Bible because it would ruin the binding. For one of their anniversaries he had her Bible rebound, kind of as a joke but also to say, "I told you so".

I don't know when this happened, but I love the taste of beer. It's delicious. I never believed people when they said they drank beer because they like the taste, until recently. It was a complete surprise that I still don't understand.

Packing your things is incredibly sad. Especially when you are leaving your work place. You wonder if you made any difference and marvel at how all your efforts fit into one or two boxes.

As corny as it sounds, I love doing stupidly dangerous things. I read in a book once that kids stop playing on playgrounds because they aren't dangerous enough. For a while they come up with creative ways to make the playground as dangerous as possible... Flinging themselves off of the swing set, trying to flip off of the balance beam, etc. But soon they can't think of anything new and they just stand around as far away from adult supervision as possible and talk with their friends until recess is over. Do people grow out of that and I missed it? I'm still trying to launch myself off the swings, it seems.

Great Expectations

A lot of garbage is being tossed around about teachers these days. I'm so tired of hearing fat-bellied suits who take government bailouts talk about how overpaid teachers are for such an "easy" job. I'm tired of people actually having a voice and standing up for what they want only to be hushed by sneaky, suspiciously underhanded political maneuvers no one understands. Why am I in the United States trying to make a difference when what I do is not respected? I'm not looking for a medal; I just don't want to be villainized if I get paid a middle-class salary for working through a bachelor's and master's degree to do my job well.

Crap like this makes me so annoyed with the United States. Get it together, people. If you tell people their job doesn't matter, after a while they'll live up to your expectations.

In the Belly

Pretty much every year for the past 4 years I have used a variety of bible reading plans. I like them. They give me direction so that I'm not just aimlessly reading whatever I turn to all the time. If there's an old testament book I have memorized, it's Jonah. I can't even remember how many bible studies I've either gone to or led on Jonah. I've always really loved the story and have learned a lot from it; but, when it came up in my reading plan last week I found myself severely disappointed. At first I thought maybe I was actually tired of Jonah's story. But that wasn't the right feeling. It was the first time I've ever had to practically force myself to read scripture... I'm not talking about when you read some days even though you don't want to or have trouble making time (obedience). I'm talking about feeling desperately opposed to reading that particular passage. Which, when I thought about why I felt that way, just made me feel like I really needed to spend more time on it. So I have. In Jonah after he gets thrown from the ship, it says he is being tossed around in chaos (or the water is the equivalent of chaos). I feel a little bit like that right now.... Being dizzy from spinning around so much thinking around and around and around about it all. I talked to a few wise friends. The more I read and reflect on it, the more I realize how dangerously close to Jonah I have become. Not just when he runs away in chapter one, but when he is sitting alone on the cliff in the sun at the end. I'm usually pretty good at communicating things in writing... But this time I can't.

Still, I have realized that time spent talking about this with my friends is something I have missed desperately. Thanks to them I was reminded to ask God for some guidance while reading Jonah too, which is who I should have looked for from the start.

Schiz

Here's a conversation I had while running a 5K today. Proof that I've gone crazy, since this conversation was in my head... To myself... The choice of pronouns is really the deciding factor.

"Starting at mile 2 kick in the last mile"

"yep, at mile 2... which is at about" *checks watch "5:40"

"So when the minute hand is on the 9"

"At the 9, a quick mile left"

"wait... wouldn't 5:40 be at the 8? Not 9, that's 5:45--"

*Annoyed*"You know what I mean..."

"Right"

Wake up, O sleeper

Been running out these winter blues... Today while moving on cruise control with an iPod playing tunes unheard, this one got through somehow. Heart beating for more than the run, legs running hard as if they could pound something into being the truth. And I do so badly want it to be true...

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul"

7th Grade Wisdom

"Most people love Christmas, and it's a lot of people's favorite holiday because of the presents. Christmas is my favorite because it was the day the Lord was born. That's why we all celebrate it. We just forget it because of all the presents and business with family. That's what Christmas is all about, and that's why I love it."

"Some people might love Christmas because they get presents. I like Christmas because it is all about God. I think that everybody forgets about God and just thinks about what they are getting for Christmas."

So much of what I am learning about teaching is about just trying to understand how and what students are thinking. This is especially difficult with middle school students who, as my friend Brandon decided, may not even be human. I did these things so long ago I'm constantly trying to remember what it was like, what is is like now. Anyway...

We're going over how to write a well-structured paragraph as preparation for a literary analysis. (I know what you're thinking...One paragraph? Psshh... piece of cake! But asking a 7th grader to do it is like asking them to run a marathon.) To practice the specific writing structure for their paragraphs we just went over, I asked them to write about their favorite holiday. I know that there's really nothing about the words above that is new knowledge to me (or to hardly anyone). It's not rocket science. Still, when I read 40 essays about how kids love Christmas because they don't have school and get presents, anything different sticks out. Watching someone piece together the difference between celebrating Christ and celebrating themselves makes me feel like I'm learning that lesson for the first time too.

I recently told Zoe that I find myself getting choked up really easily now that I work with students all the time. I've morphed into some super-sensitive weirdo. Here's a prime example of me getting all sentimental and moved by a couple paragraphs. If God is this sensitive, it must have really really sucked to send his son for us.

A Life Less Ordinary

There's nothing all that important or neat going on, currently, but I felt I should post something just to make that clear. Actually, let's face it, there are always neat and important things going on all the time. So I suppose I wanted to make clear my magnificently poor recognition/awareness of these things as of late. My self-reflection seems to be in a valley.

Other than middle schoolers and all things middle school related, David occupies my mind. Such an interesting person with an interesting life... But he didn't start off as anything special. When I read 1 and 2 Samuel I am always surprised God would choose someone so ordinary to make so great, famous, and successful. (I'm not saying David didn't have amazing qualities, because he did. I'm just saying, of all the people in the world, why him?) I've always enjoyed his story, but now I am fairly certain it is not because of David, necessarily, but because his story really shows the faithfulness and necessity of God's presence in our lives. David was just a normal guy made extraordinary by an extraordinary God. The times we see David fall short of our unusually high expectations are the times when David has become lackadaisical in his faith... The most poignant example being his affair with Bathsheba. He should have been off at war with the others. He should have been close with God. But while the Ark of the Covenant and soldiers are out of town on the battle field, David is getting busy with the girl next door. Typical... I, too, am someone ordinary who serves an extraordinary God. When I realize I have forgotten to keep close to the King, I remember how small I really am on my own.