Today I caught a glimpse of the silver lining.

God is faithful.

I'm meeting with an old friend starting this Wednesday for some much needed fellowship and maybe a bible study-type thing. I don't really know what it will end up being like and I don't really care. I just know that it is going to be awesome.

And another thought. When I was younger when I read the verse, "a good tree bears good fruit" I always imagined I was the tree and the fruit was how others respond to the way I live my life. Example: A "good" Christian will produce other "good" Christians.

I don't think that's entirely wrong, but I do think I've been overlooking all the maintenance required on the tree itself. Maybe I expected to sort of see good fruit automatically. It was disappointing. After all, I could go my whole life without seeing any "fruit".

But we also bear fruit in our own lives. Our own growth, spiritual integrity, transformation of the mind... It's important fruit, too. Why do I always overlook that? Typical self-centered hypocrisy. Where is the line between personal growth and investing in others?

The problem with self-reflection....

For a few months I have been trying to process the how and why of the past five years. I reflect on going to college: how I changed while I was there, the people I met, decisions I made (both smart and not so smart), etc. I've had a lot of time for thinking. The more time I spent trying to understand God's purpose the more frustrated I got.

It's important every once in a while to reflect, to think things through, discern the next stepping stone in your life, all that jazz. But self-reflection can harm us; make us think our every decision and move is more important than the needs of the people around us. It's not good when self-reflection leads to self-absorption. This sounds stupid, but healthy self-reflection isn't just with yourself. It includes God, his word, and prayer. You just get to a point when you need to let things go. Most of my agonizing in the past six months could have been reduced by just asking, "How can you use me where I am, now?" and "Where do I go from here?"

Some Thoughts

I've taken a little respite from blogging to figure some things out... The main one being, why do I write these things? Is it still a way for me to understand God's purpose and daily message to me? For a while, I don't think it was. That's okay. I'm not sure that always using this blog for that purpose is realistic, anyway. So here are some random things I've been thinking about, some to do with God and some most certainly not.

The past few months I have explored other methods of reflection. Like yoga. I'm terrible at yoga. Or songwriting. I like that one, though I'm not exceptional at that either. I think I'll continue using both, in addition to the occasional blog and furious journal scribbles that I shove in nooks and crannies of my bible.

Once I listened to this message from a guy who randomly told about how he met his wife. He said the first thing he told her was that she shouldn't shove things into her Bible because it would ruin the binding. For one of their anniversaries he had her Bible rebound, kind of as a joke but also to say, "I told you so".

I don't know when this happened, but I love the taste of beer. It's delicious. I never believed people when they said they drank beer because they like the taste, until recently. It was a complete surprise that I still don't understand.

Packing your things is incredibly sad. Especially when you are leaving your work place. You wonder if you made any difference and marvel at how all your efforts fit into one or two boxes.

As corny as it sounds, I love doing stupidly dangerous things. I read in a book once that kids stop playing on playgrounds because they aren't dangerous enough. For a while they come up with creative ways to make the playground as dangerous as possible... Flinging themselves off of the swing set, trying to flip off of the balance beam, etc. But soon they can't think of anything new and they just stand around as far away from adult supervision as possible and talk with their friends until recess is over. Do people grow out of that and I missed it? I'm still trying to launch myself off the swings, it seems.

Great Expectations

A lot of garbage is being tossed around about teachers these days. I'm so tired of hearing fat-bellied suits who take government bailouts talk about how overpaid teachers are for such an "easy" job. I'm tired of people actually having a voice and standing up for what they want only to be hushed by sneaky, suspiciously underhanded political maneuvers no one understands. Why am I in the United States trying to make a difference when what I do is not respected? I'm not looking for a medal; I just don't want to be villainized if I get paid a middle-class salary for working through a bachelor's and master's degree to do my job well.

Crap like this makes me so annoyed with the United States. Get it together, people. If you tell people their job doesn't matter, after a while they'll live up to your expectations.

In the Belly

Pretty much every year for the past 4 years I have used a variety of bible reading plans. I like them. They give me direction so that I'm not just aimlessly reading whatever I turn to all the time. If there's an old testament book I have memorized, it's Jonah. I can't even remember how many bible studies I've either gone to or led on Jonah. I've always really loved the story and have learned a lot from it; but, when it came up in my reading plan last week I found myself severely disappointed. At first I thought maybe I was actually tired of Jonah's story. But that wasn't the right feeling. It was the first time I've ever had to practically force myself to read scripture... I'm not talking about when you read some days even though you don't want to or have trouble making time (obedience). I'm talking about feeling desperately opposed to reading that particular passage. Which, when I thought about why I felt that way, just made me feel like I really needed to spend more time on it. So I have. In Jonah after he gets thrown from the ship, it says he is being tossed around in chaos (or the water is the equivalent of chaos). I feel a little bit like that right now.... Being dizzy from spinning around so much thinking around and around and around about it all. I talked to a few wise friends. The more I read and reflect on it, the more I realize how dangerously close to Jonah I have become. Not just when he runs away in chapter one, but when he is sitting alone on the cliff in the sun at the end. I'm usually pretty good at communicating things in writing... But this time I can't.

Still, I have realized that time spent talking about this with my friends is something I have missed desperately. Thanks to them I was reminded to ask God for some guidance while reading Jonah too, which is who I should have looked for from the start.

Schiz

Here's a conversation I had while running a 5K today. Proof that I've gone crazy, since this conversation was in my head... To myself... The choice of pronouns is really the deciding factor.

"Starting at mile 2 kick in the last mile"

"yep, at mile 2... which is at about" *checks watch "5:40"

"So when the minute hand is on the 9"

"At the 9, a quick mile left"

"wait... wouldn't 5:40 be at the 8? Not 9, that's 5:45--"

*Annoyed*"You know what I mean..."

"Right"

Wake up, O sleeper

Been running out these winter blues... Today while moving on cruise control with an iPod playing tunes unheard, this one got through somehow. Heart beating for more than the run, legs running hard as if they could pound something into being the truth. And I do so badly want it to be true...

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul"